Divorce! Part 6 Of 7

Common Sense With A Spiritual Aspect On Divorce! Part 6

As time moves on in this 21^st century what was once a taboo idea of dating on-line with the internet has now become acceptable it’s quick, easy and accessible to all providing you have internet connection and the time to go surfing.

Well so it would seem! Any one can join any site fill out a profile and go fishing but be warned it’s not as easy as you might think for many reasons and here are just a few you might want to consider.

People are people, which means every one has a very different idea or agenda of what the site is meant to do or deliver.

Some are serious; some just think it’s a form of entertainment. Some will put a great deal of thought into their profile trying to attract what it is they truly want.

Others may not give it much thought and just type the first thing that comes into their minds with not much thought for who might be reading it.

The real danger here is when you get a serious browser who meets and greets a person that’s just on the site for fun, I will explain.

Conversing on-line should not be any different to face to face with regard to respect for other people’s feelings. We should all be honest, truthful and aware of other people’s feelings and emotions.

It’s not acceptable to be rude, crude, hostile or disrespectful in any form what so ever. It’s a lot harder to do this or tolerate it in a face to face situation, but on-line because we are all hidden behind our screens of cyber space some people think its ok to behave with out manners or consideration for others.

This can lead to a lot of heart ache and unnecessary emotional turmoil. Maybe you are a strong character and can just shrug off negative feelings, comments or rudeness but please remember that not all people can cope with this. Its my suggestion here that if you are on-line or involved in any dating sites that you always respond to any one that has taken the time to write to you or correspond. Even if you’re not interested in them or their profile just put together a few lines to say something like…

“Thank you for your interest in my profile however you are not for me, thanks again, and good luck in you’re searching” how nice is that. The most important message here is simply treat others as you want to be treated not just on-line but in your every day life. It will pay you dividends in a very spiritual way.

In my next and final  instalment of part 7 of 7 I will continue to write about dating on-line, the should do and the and the should not’s which will have my continued theme of  common sense and some more spiritual aspects as always.

I look forward to seeing you soon.

Feel free to look at my web site at https://www.bjacoaching.co.uk/index.html

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Divorce! Part 5 Of 7

Common Sense With A Spiritual Aspect On Divorce! Part 5

Hello every one and welcome to part 5 of my 7 part blog that looks at divorce with lots of common sense but with a spiritual aspect to it all. Ok so now we are single and we shall treat this part as if we are now looking to hook up again, find a partner, lover or any other label you wish to put on it. Before we move on I would like you to know that the label you choose in deciding what it is you want to find will have a huge impact on what you will actually experience in your life.

For instance if you are looking for a” lover” then your experience will be quite different to the experience you will have if you were looking for a “hook up” The reason is when we choose to look for something in our lives that we think will help us in some way our body chemistry and our spiritual energy begin to form a partnership to make it manifest into the physical world.

For this reason it’s important to know where your thoughts are at any given time. Remember what we think about most of the time is what tends to manifest into reality and the physical world as we know it. So to focus on anything in life will project the energy of its title according to what that title means to you in your heart-felt emotion.

There is no point in trying to kid yourself or others by saying “I just want to hook up with some one” if in fact you truly want to have a loving relationship that could lead to a marriage or loving partnership. You have to look for what it is that is congruent with both your heart and your thinking or mind-set.

Hence why choosing the correct title from the start is so important. Be honest with yourself and look for what it is that you truly want. This is a good start because there is a whole load of other obstacles to get over as you will see by reading on.

Depending on when you become single in your life will determine as to how you react to being single and alone. When you are between 20 and 30 it’s not quite so bad because life is still fast paced we are generally still full of hope, dreams desires and the hunger for experiences is still quite buoyant.

Being social is mostly normal and we are in contact with lots of different circles almost weekly. Between 30 and 40 the pace has slowed down quite considerably because it’s like most things in life, we tend to get accustomed to routine quite quickly and things that seemed fun 10 years ago can now feel awkward and even make us cringe and smile at some of the things we use to do.

At 40 to 50 it can actually be quite frightening because its easy to believe that we can never find any one else now because we are to old, or not as attractive as we were or even that the best years of your life have now gone and you have forgotten how to even approach the opposite sex with dating in mind. So no matter what excuse you give yourself or what ever reason you think you have that will stop you from finding another partner is only true if you believe it.

That’s why any one at any age has to learn that our V/Bs (values and beliefs) determine what it is we pull towards us or push away in our lives. I have spoken about these V/Bs in some of my other blogs simply because they are so important to all of us. Life coaches in particular are very good at bringing these out of us during the coaching sessions.

In part 6 of 7, I will write about on-line dating or internet dating.

Feel free to look at my web site at https://www.bjacoaching.co.uk/index.html

Copyright 2005 bjacoaching.co.uk. All rights reserved.

Divorce! Part 4 Of 7

Common Sense with a Spiritual Aspect On Divorce! Part 4

So now you are divorced on paper its official and every one says “you should have a party and celebrate”….. Why? Is it really some thing to celebrate?

Let’s look and see. So many people are like sheep, they feel if they don’t do the normal thing or the popular thing then they will lose face.

So they carry on doing what every one expects of them to, even if their heart is not in it. Maybe they fell into the same trap initially as well with the engagement ring stuff followed by the “well we are engaged now so lets plan the wedding” etc.

I do not ridicule any one here and especially the sheep I speak about because they are just going with the so-called flow. I am however asking all the readers here to examine their own habits, values and beliefs and see if they need adjusting.

But to want to actually celebrate a break up of any description is missing some of life’s most valuable lessons. Such as compassion, empathy, sympathy, respect, also self-respect, dignity, and common decency. Even if you are happy about the break up do you really need to party over it? What if you’re ex partners is heart-broken and emotionally disturbed about it. Is it right to send out such hurtful feelings?

I hear some of you saying but as long as the ex partner doesn’t know about the party surely it’s then ok. Well no actually, spiritually you are sending out vibrations of an uncaring nature which can never help any one or anything as we are all part of the same hologram of life. When we hurt others we hurt ourselves some times in the short-term and always in the long-term.

It’s so hard to stand alone sometimes, or stand up for yourself especially if it makes you the odd one out. But life is like that sometimes and if it doesn’t feel right in the heart, stomach or spirit then chances are it’s not! So always do what you feel is ok for you, and blow the general opinion of others.

Let’s say it’s been a few months now since the divorce you have done all the things that you thought you were missing out on and guess what? They were ok but not that much fun after all. Again you might be doing the normal things that single people are meant to do, going with the flow etc yet it still feels awkward some how. Well rest assured it’s not just you it’s a very high percentage of people going through exactly the same thing as you are.

The funny thing is they are all the same people who you mingle with in the clubs, bars or where ever else you hang out.

These people are probably feeling exactly the same emotions as you but they are never going to let on to you because that’s not cool. Instead they do exactly the same as you do which is paint on the smile and pretend you’re having the time of your life…NOT!

The best way some times is to just sit your self down and be honest. Ask yourself what it is you truly want.

As a life coach it’s my experience that when I ask someone the question “what is it you truly want” they immediately start to list a long list of things that they DONT want….. Why?

Because it’s far easier for them to answer this way because every one knows what they DON’T want.

But it’s very hard to answer what it is you DO want. Only a professional can help you truly do this because they are on the outside looking in and they will not be one-sided, unlike your own subconscious will be. Once you find out this valuable question then you can start to move on.

Such things could be in your personal love life, work, ambition, Family, friends, general relationships, finances, coping with stress and the list goes on.

Is it at all possible that some of these issues helped break up your marriage in the first place? If so please understand that it’s not too late to change things in yourself and in your life. Help can be on its way. You will need to confront, battle and win over your issues so that when the next person comes along you will be in a far better position to over come them the next time around. If you can’t deal with this alone seek a life coach to guide you though it all.

It can be quite a lonely time after divorce even in a crowded place. It’s always going to be paraded in front of you. I talk about the fact that you are single now and unattached, and will be constantly reminded by what and who you look at. Even going down to the local super market to get a litre of milk means you will see a very large percentage of couples doing their thing and it will remind you of your past and now present time.

Endless scenarios’ will go through your mind about them, what do they say to each other, how do they behave, are they happy, why are they still together, is it because they have just met or is it because they are better suited than you were, etc. again don’t beat yourself up its quite normal and very emotional. The mind is always making judgments, theories and suggestions after all that’s its job, not forgetting the EGO that also always has to have its say on the matter.

The spirit is the strongest part of us yet it just observes. It could stamp its authority all over the body and mind but it never does because its job is to observe and feel the emotion both the good and the bad. When we listen to our feelings and emotions that’s when we become in tune with who we really are. When such feelings are not congruent with our reality then this is what causes us the chaos. It’s for this reason I write about such issues, it’s to encourage you to use common sense with a spiritual aspect as the title suggests once again.

Most of our problems in life come from not following our bliss and not being who we truly are as individuals. So getting back to being divorced and single is where we were and where we are at the moment.

What was it that you expected after your divorce? Are you now looking for some one else?

If so then my next installment will be for you.

In Part 5 we shall look at the dating scene which is not as straight forward as you may think. We shall look at the differences between each decade of the age groups and then discuss what the obstacles can be. I look forward to seeing you here again soon.

 

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Divorce! Part 3 Of 7

Ok so the answer to your marriage is a divorce! A divorce from what?

As strange as this question may sound I need you to analyze what it is you are actually divorcing. You see when you mention divorce the first thing that naturally springs to mind is “I am divorcing the other person” but are you? Before you answer this question or even if you have already done so in your mind consider this.

Are you divorcing the person, the commitment, the fidelity, the lack of freedom, the sharing of yourself or your possessions, your time-sharing, your opinions, your together time, your sex life, your body, your heart, your soul, your mind, habits, your secrets, family, their family, your friends their friends, the chores, the mundane routines that are essential, even your bed (sounds strange) but many think that just because your married you have to sleep in the same bed… its not true, many couple have improved their sleeping patterns just by having separate beds. They can be in the same room or not. Make love then stay together or hop out into their own bed, have good nights sleep and it works for many couples this way.

So on that point will Divorce actually solve all of these issues or any that I have not mentioned in the long-term? I am asking these questions because I need you to be honest with your self and realise that a divorce will not cure your issues. What you need to do is work through your issues with each other or again involve a professional that can help you with them. It’s not till you live together as a married couple that you get to really experience each others emotions, mood swings and issues and unless you can over come them in this marriage then they will re present themselves again and again through out your life whether you like it or not, but why?

It’s a spiritual fact that we are here on this earth for just a very short time. During this time we here for one reason and one reason only and that is to remember who we truly are. The only way we can find out who we are is through relationships. Relationships truly bring out the best and the worst in us all. They can make us or break us but it’s not really the individuals or the individual relationships as such it’s how we react to them and how we deal with our own emotions, logic and heart-felt feelings.

In other words we need relationships as the most powerful form of “pushing our buttons” because it’s only when people “push our buttons” that the true character comes out without shame or disguise. That’s not to say you won’t feel shame afterwards or even want to disguise yourself and hide away depending on how you handled it at the time. None of us are perfect, we all need to learn valuable lessons continuously and build upon what we know already.

So if you can subscribe to why we are here and why we need testing relationships to make us stronger than maybe it will help you to realise that neither of you are actually right nor wrong, you are just indifferent and in need of greater understanding of what relationships are actually about. They are about you learning more about your selves than each other. But as we approach these obvious problems in a marriage it’s just become a natural instinct to blame the other and not take any responsibility for our own short comings.

When we take responsibility, when we own our own issues, when we become more considerate of others that’s when the magic can start. When we look at a relationship and ask… what can I do to enhance this relationship instead of asking what can I take out of this relationship. When you get to this level of understanding then many other things in your life will start to take on a much lighter shade of darkness. To quote a Michael Jackson song “The Man In The Mirror” he sings his lyrics asking us to look at our selves first and if we can admit to what we are doing wrong and change our selves first, then we can expect others to do the same but NOT before we do it from with-in.

My topics here are to encourage my readers to think outside the box, look at things differently and to be honest with your selves so that you can become who you truly are in the spiritual sense. I am talking about who you are from the in side, not the person you show the world every day to survive your reality because these are two entirely different entities altogether. Once you realise this maybe it will become easier for you to take on board all that I write about which is as stated … “Common Sense with a Spiritual Aspect” that’s it for now

Part 4 Of 7 will be about what happens after the Divorce, I look forward to seeing you here again soon.

Feel free to look at my web site at https://www.bjacoaching.co.uk/index.html

Copyright 2005 bjacoaching.co.uk. All rights reserved.

Divorce! Part 2 of 7

Hello again and welcome to part 2 of 7.

This part is based upon so-called friends as promised in part 1.

Please understand that this next part is in no way meant to offend you or any of your friends. It is however meant to make you think about a few aspects of how friends can influence circumstances in many areas of our lives.

Now it’s great to have good friends but how many of them have you also divorced over the years? The reason I say this is some really do need weeding out, because some friends, as you either know from experience or will learn from in the future are not always what and who they portray to be.

A true friend will listen to you and be there for you always. If they ever do give advice then it should only be taken if you know this person can “walk their talk” You see it’s very easy to give others advice but if these people do not take their own medicine and demonstrate it, then to me that speaks volumes.

Remember this, if your friends give you advice that does not work for you what will you do? Will they still be there for you?

Will they be there on your lonely nights? Will they put you up for a few weeks or months if you lose your marital home?

Will they pay your bills if you run into financial difficulties?

It goes without saying if you had a friend/friends like this then you are truly so lucky and you should do all you can for them also. Friends like this are hard to find so hang on to them by showing love and support always to them.

If you are any thing like me then you won’t want to depend on any one if you can help it, but it’s important to know that IF you ever needed to accept help in this way that it would be genuinely there for you. You see, it’s the ones that always have an opinion on this and that and advice just flows from them continuously that you need to question as to if they would be such a friend in times of need. Unfortunately you will only really find this out when push comes to shove, but that’s the beauty of experience. What I am offering here is an in-sight into what usually happens in many types of circles of friends.

The worst aspect of advice from some friends is the financial advisors! Wow they all become experts on money and what is fair and what is not, its amazing how they all know what’s in your best interest. Its worth noting that your partners friends will also be doing and saying exactly the same things in ways of advice etc. Before you know it, it’s your friends that are running the show from the outside and it becomes Male friends versus Female friends and the two of you are just in the middle trying to make head and tail of what’s already an emotional and confusing time.

You can find yourselves not doing what you feel but trying to please your friends and trying to follow their advice. If you find yourself in this position you may find your self doing as they say in fear that if you don’t that they will abandon you. DO NOT fall into this trap of false loyalty. I would suggest that you make your own decisions based on what you feel is fair or not.

Use your heart-felt intuitions and your own values and beliefs to decide on what it is right, what you feel and believe that you deserve and should have, make your own decisions.

The reason I say this is what ever happens you will be able to own the results. You will learn from this and you can become a stronger individual. Its times like this that you can look at your values and beliefs (V/B) and decide if these such values/beliefs are once again serving you in this part of your life. We all need to be adaptable and be constantly analysing our V/B because what served you once may not be relevant at every stage of your life. Think about your V/B as a fashionable pair of shoes, they are fantastic at the time and may serve you for many years but there will be a time when you need to change them because they can not serve you forever without not fitting in with the changing world of fashion.

Part 3 of 7 will focus on facing up to what you think divorce will achieve for you.

Feel free to look at my web site at https://www.bjacoaching.co.uk/index.html

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Divorce! Part 1 of 7

Common Sense With A Spiritual Aspect On Divorce! Part 1 Of 7 Hello, I have seven parts to cover on the above title this is the first part:It’s just seems so easy these days to get married and when it doesn’t work out for what ever reasons then just get a divorcé.Well yes in theory but it’s not as easy as that as you may or may not know. I guess because your reading this then you have your own reasons but let’s face it it’s not a good place to be in your life and will have huge knock on effects if you do not approach it all with a plan in hand. Most things in life need planning, some more than others. Divorce is most definitely not to be taken likely but as I said if you have a plan then it’s a great start. If you don’t then either gets some one like a Life Coach to help you devise a strategy of how you want to proceed. This way you will ensure damage limitation on both your wallet and also some thing much more valuable …your emotions. Personally I am not a religious person but I am very spiritual and the more I live the more I find that we all need to honour and respect each other as if we were dealing with our selves. Spiritualism simply brings us all together as individuals but also as one. Spirituality brings us together where religion separates and splits us up, a bit like divorce really. We must become mirrors of ourselves and expect to get back what we project outwards to others each and every day. Divorce is an ending to what was once something very, very special, or should have been and in some cases maybe if it was not then maybe it was doomed from the start. But let’s assume it was something special for both of you and now it’s lost its magic and that you both want the divorce. Ok then when it’s mutual then it’s as fine as it can be. This is the best scenario you can have in a divorce as you can then both work together in making it as painless as possible and hopefully with respect. If however only one of you truly wants the divorce and the other is just going along with it then you can expect a bumpy ride. Some time neither of you truly want the divorce but because the other has suggested it (or maybe some of your so-called friends has done so more on this in part two) in one form or another usually through a heated row etc then some times couples can push each others buttons just to test the others boundaries. This is very dangerous but on occasions can result in the divorce becoming very relevant and before you know it things have gone too far and it does end up in a divorce case. So my advice here is to dig deep and test that your marriage is truly over before calling in the lawyers. Most of the time you are paying lawyers to do what you can actually do yourselves which is communicates on a respectful level. But if you approach it from a spiritual nature with lots of common sense and oodles of fair play then not only will it be better for you both but it will indeed leave you with less scars of the heart. As I mentioned earlier if you can treat others as if you were dealing with yourself then you will never expect any one to do or accept anything that you would not do or accept yourself. If you or your partner can not have this mutual respect then yes it will be messy and it will be painful so let’s assume for this next part that you have totally flipped the other side of the coin and your love you once had has now changed to hate on both sides. You are now both going out your own ways to hurt the other as much as possible. Let’s analyse this. You can not truly hate another unless you still love them. There are only two true emotions in life, Love and Hate! You can not experience one without the other; just the same as you can not have up without down, left without right or east without west. They are the opposites which can not exist without the other being relevant. Now that we have established this I suggest that you both pool your commonsense together and involve some professionals in the divorce field etc that can absolutely define what went wrong, what can be fixed, saved and work on to re-establish what was once worth marrying for. Nothing is truly broken and un-fixable especially when there is love involved. Hate or Fear is just love that’s gone wrong it’s just love that’s gone in its extreme of the opposite end of the scale. Most of the time being in touch with our own feelings, values and beliefs is what will carry us forward in life. Maybe your values and beliefs just need shuffling or even changing in some respects. These are issues you will never notice for yourself as such. It’s only a professional like a life coach or personal coach that will be able to pin point such things because we as humans have a built-in justification system that allows us all to come up with the most inventive ideas as to why we do what we do. Inventive and as logical as they might seem to you, they will not empower you to ever move on into the next part of your life. Divorce is un attaching you from what once was love. You have entangled your emotions, feelings and thoughts with each other just like the roots of two plants entangle with each other underground. From the outside things look as if they are separate and not at all joined. But once you start to separate them it can have devastating results and even result in long-term damage. So be careful who you employ as your gardener to separate such roots. So to end the first in my seven part letter I need you to take on board that being spiritual and using common sense in your approach to any important issues in life will always serve you well. But if we ever let emotion, temper and vengeance to rule your decisions then you are not only going to go from one disaster to another but you will not learn the lessons that life gives to us each and every day. Feel free to look at my web site at  https://www.bjacoaching.co.uk/index.html  Enjoy. Regards, Brian. Copyright 2005 bjacoaching.co.uk. All rights reserved.

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Love

30/03/2011 Part 3 Of 3 

As I am not a religious person, I think that all religions in essence carry a good guide of common sense and a guide in conduct for us to get through our lives and be as good as we can be at times. But when people become fanatical about any thing it generates passion that can quickly escalate into conflict of many kinds. So for me religion is not necessary because I believe it separates people, cultures and countries.I am however a very spiritual person, spirituality joins all people, never discriminates or tries to separate any one or anything it simply blends in and joins together all.

When people speak about their God or their belief it can come under many labels and I want you to know that as long as you believe in some thing that is greater than yourself as a power or an energy then you can call it what you want, its your choice and not important to any one else other than yourself. I prefer my label to be “The Devine Intelligence Of The Universe” that’s it for me, but to keep it short in this blog we shall call it simply God.

Spirituality is the 3^rd topic of my latest blogs here from the (Mind, Body), and Spirit.The spirit is the part of us that is connected to the Universe; it’s where we all came from because we are all made of the same stuff that the stars are made of. The spirit needs to feel every emotion that is possible both good and bad, it as an entity just wants to experience life in its full capacity. We as humans try to just take our pleasures and stay away from pain but our spirit has no preference to pain or pleasure it’s here to experience life in its full capacity.It allows the body and mind to make all the decisions, it never interferes it just absorbs all that happens, takes notes, remembers and allows all it can to happen as and when.

It is the bravest and most powerful part of us that we can ever imagine and some times we do call upon it and it always responds to our needs but only when both body and mind ask for it to do so.Its like having the toughest hardest yet gentlest softest body-guard that simply always say YES to all but never asks for anything in return, nor judges nor commands anything. Its duty is to REMEMBER WHO WE ARE!

27/03/2011 Part 2 Of 3

Ok so now lets talk about the mind, Most people think that the mind is in control of the other two parts of us (Body & Spirit) but this is not so. The mind is our Ego and it thinks it is in control. The mind is what we use to create our thoughts, and it’s our thoughts that create our reality. Yes every thing in our lives is created through our thoughts. We manifest all things into our lives through our thoughts. I will explain in short version. Every thing in our lives starts off with a thought, it then goes into the spoken word then once we take action it is then manifested in to our lives at some point or another. Because most of us are unaware of this process and are not fully aware of it then it’s hard to gauge exactly what and how we do this. It’s also hard to measure the time it takes to go from thought to manifestation, mainly because if we are not aware of how we do it then it’s almost impossible to know when and what triggers it off in to action. What I can tell you is it can only be done through powerful emotion like wishes or prayer. It’s like that saying that goes “Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it” So if the emotion, content and thoughts are powerful enough it does come in to our lives. Some times it could take days other times years.

The universe knows no time scale it just delivers as and when so maybe you have things coming into your life now that you ordered years ago. For example, maybe a person in an unhappy relation ship may have said with full emotion and energy “I wish I was Single again” 10 years on the same person may be on their own and wishing they had a partner even though they have had several relationships since that initial wish. We must be careful of all our thoughts on a daily basis because what we think about most of the time tends to manifest itself in one form or another.

26/03/2011 Part 1 Of 3 The most important relationship we will ever have in life is with ourselves.

After all we are locked in to our bodies for the duration of life. We are a team of three!….Mind-Body and Spirit.In this blog I want to relate to part of the Body and that being the “heart”The heart is the bravest of all, it knows no boundaries, will take us into battle and when we come out of our torment and tears we are left with memories that scar the heart and make it harder for it to beat. The more the scars, the harder the flesh becomes, which makes it less flexible but still it beats and is always ready for the next battle in the name of love….How brave is your heart? Mine is already scared yet I feel its time to once again feel some pain…

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